Friday, April 30, 2010

The Brain Vomit That Insomnia & Sigur Ros Expel

I was born into this world cracking out of an eggshell made of tungsten
A paragon of paradox
Mercurial and meaningless
Clawing my way into existence
Growth inapplicable, I am evolution
Darwin's missed chance to witness
A Goddess's rebirth as demoted and exalted again
Clouds could not hold me
Terra firma was indeed incognito, lacking firmness
Absorbed in light and pain recollect
Heartstrings that vibrate emotions more flawlessly than an instrument of ultimate construct
A juxtaposition of clenched jaw and tender caress
Rusty nail's tetanus and death's peaceful rest
Impermanence is fuel for reincarnation
And I can't seem to hold birds without breaking their wings
Mind made impressionable, pliable wax that defied gravity
To sit as supreme in my skull
Perpetually softened by the flame of existence
Nourish the soul that was unwillingly
Encapsulated in corporeal form
I twist in and through overwrought
Reveling the pressure of suffocation
As the sun holds no warmth for those who dwell in Axis Mundi
A dissonance that connects the chasm of entropy
That's what you'll find if you dive inside of me
Would you care to join my anachronistic bedlam?
Splice wires with stained lace
Porcelain lovers that fragility breaks
As suicidal rose petals impale individually on inherent thorns
Enamored with the delicate syntax
And the inevitable decadence of all

It Is Not He Who Is Right That Wins, But He Who Overcomes The Barriers That Prevails

My bike ride to work today was hella-windy, violently so.  The city grit was seeking (and succeeding) to occupy my ocular cavities, and by the time I rode up on Damen my eyeballs felt like granular, unpolished orbs, as if they were made of sand.  Larger (yet seemingly unsubstantial) pieces of debris stung my skin like so many knives; sharp pains that would've caused me to wince if only my body knew which part to flinch.

Wind... the invisible enemy.  Sometimes delivering a covert sneak attack that threatened to topple the unsuspectingly balanced, but mostly a full-on assault, blowing every direction at the same time except the one that would propel you forward.  The kind of wind that stops you dead even in a gravitational descent on wheels traveling the few hills this city provides.

I awoke with a fantastically sore throat today.  I'm thinking it is a side effect to recent medication and nothing more serious.  I debated calling into work but I'm glad I didn't, as not only did we have a short shift but it was full of training so I didn't have to speak much at all.  Gallons of hot tea have not soothed the raging soreness that is still, tonight, enveloping my throat, tonsils, and lymph nodes.  Argh.

Van plans are coming along nicely.  I have the PA-travel date set for the weekend of May 22nd.  Part of me still feels like I'm making theoretical plans on paper, like setting up appointments for other people as if I'll take no actual part in the occurrence - a secretary of my own fate with the brashness of the CEO.  Like most things I suppose I will not believe it until I am actually experiencing it, and even then it is a delicate acceptance of reality. 

I am planning on randomly posting some of my older poems and writings here soon, probably even tonight.  I've been wanting to post them but the timing of such things has not been adequate.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

"Damn u and ur feline ways"

One of the most profoundly intimate text messages I've ever received.  It's veracity speeds electricity through the coils of my spine.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"You look so fine, I want to break your heart & give you mine..."

About the future I can only reminisce
For what I've had is what I'll never get
And although this may sound strange
My future and my past are presently disarranged
And I'm surfing on a wave of nostalgia for an age yet to come

I'm officially signed up for a Poi class in a couple of Sundays.  The Saturday prior there is a meet-up in the very south suburbs for Making a Hoop and Hooping 101, I hope I can make both of those events as well, but work/transportation might prove to be a hindrance.

This week I will hopefully get my apartment in order a bit more.  When my living space is cluttered, I feel cluttered throughout, and I've definitely been letting it go.  Especially over the weekends when my roommate leaves town and I have the place all to myself to stretch out and throw candy wrappers about the room at will.  I want your understanding, but I'll settle for your head-shaking disappointment at my lack of domestic responsibility.  :)

Speaking of irresponsibility... I finally know I am on the right path in life and the stars are shining in my direction, and I have to put it all at risk today.  It's hard to say whether or not it was worth it as it would all depend on how the future unfolded.  I freaked out for a good 5 (or 15, or longer) minutes, before realizing all I can do is take care of what I needed to and be more prudent.  With that said... I am longing for the day when aspiration takes hold and the outcome will be celebrated.

Sleeping with ghosts
It's such a lonely experience
The stars are out tonight
Only they can hear you breathing

You're so like a rose
You're so like a rose
You're so like a rose
I wish you could stay here

Monday, April 26, 2010

Number 7 With A Bullet

Your "Life Path" or "Birth Path" number remains constant in your life (doesn't change with marriage, initiation, etc.). It tells a lot about why you are here on Earth and what you are meant to accomplish.

If your Life-Path number is SEVEN, depth of thinking and the ability to gain knowledge from most everything will be something you’ve experienced since an early age. SEVEN is considered the ‘spiritual’ number and such qualities as intuition will be prominent.

Those with a SEVEN Life-Path are usually peaceful and affectionate. You may not have many friends as a SEVEN, but the ones you do have will be for life. You’re a compassionate and caring friend. As a SEVEN, you will likely be able to sense deception from others quickly and you’re not likely to be wrong. A balance between time with others and private time taken to be alone with your thoughts and dreams is essential.

It is common for SEVENS to be seen as aloof due to their selective socializing and required time alone. If the truth be told, many SEVENS feel a sense of insecurity. This may be because much of a SEVENS ‘reality’ is not tangible. You will rely heavily on instincts and intuition. At times this insecurity can lead to pessimism or loneliness. Mood swings are also not uncommon.

SEVEN personalities are generally reserved and analytical in their assessments of truth. As a SEVEN, you will need to find and draw your own conclusions with evidence before accepting other’s notions. Key qualities/words for a SEVEN Life-Path are analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious and meditating.

The life purpose for a SEVEN is to experience life to the fullest through learning and processing knowledge. Perhaps even more so, a SEVEN needs to learn how to trust in themselves and their deeper feelings about life around them. The development of a sense of security can be a life long challenge with periods of time that are marked with a lack of emotional stability.

The SEVEN that chooses to not get out into the world and to grasp all there is to learn, can become negative and selfish. An attitude that says the world owes them can also happen. To experience life at it’s utmost, a SEVEN must face their fears and insecurities and face whatever comes their way. There is much a SEVEN can give to the world around.

Tarot Teachings Website:

People who resonate with number seven are scholars and poets. They are intelligent with amazingly analytical minds. Yet, their minds are usually in a dream world where they can move things and events to their liking. Although their reality in much different than other's - it is a reality of their own making. These people have the ability to bring the perfect people, places, and events in their life experience that lead them on a path of consistent revelation.


A Poem By Someone From My Past:


I'm like a carnival game
Of the difficult kind
The goal:  figure me out,
And then I am the prize
The trick here, the problem
Why it's so hard to beat
No one knows the answer,
Not even me
I amaze myself, but I
Disappoint me more
If ignorance is bliss,
I wish I had some stored
And if life is like this,
I wonder what it's all for
I feel like I'm unarmed
In an unwinable war
Where there's no choice
But fight
It's all wrong and all right
It's the exact same battle
All day and all night
If there's sound, then no sight
If there's bark, then no bite
A victim of fact, it's all darkness,
No light
I do things to spite what I
Cannot control
If I had it my way,
I would fill in this hole
But at least I know
That there's something I lack
That must be the first step
In getting it back
If you think there's a chance
Of you changing my fate...
Then I urge you, my friend,
To step up to the plate.

Copyright 2004 - Matthew Robert Steigerwald
Published in 'Forward Digression'

...'Nuff said.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Turntables Might Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

A thesaurus shrivels in its weak ineptitude to provide me with the words I need to describe all that I have seen, done, experienced, and discovered.  I feel I am speaking much too soon with that statement lol, as I am applying it to the last 36 hours alone for my purposes here.  Resonate.... it sure as fuck will.

It was one of those nights when the pin in your jaw is continuously pulled out by extreme forces of WTF.

It's as if by me making my decisions and setting out my intentions, I have flicked on a light switch, and the universe is immediately bathing me in light (offering what I need and seek) and allowing me to see all that is around me.  The anxiety of it all (if there is such a thing in a situation such as this) is that it is overwhelming, the light is so much at once that it blinds me and leaves me resorting to keeping my eyes wide open Clockwork-Orange-style, to intake all that I can, while my brain and functions desperately try to process and keep up.

I don't want to miss a second.  My path has never been clearer and my plans more set.  Plans that will be followed by immediate ACTION.

So I'm waiting to see what's up with the van in PA.  I'm really trying not to set my hopes on it and have expectations for it, but I can't help but admit I'm very excited and feel like the universe wants it to be mine.  It should be ready to be looked at within the next 2wks.  So, in that case, instead of going to Portland as tentatively planned to visit a friend (sorry Mapkur!) I'll be going to PA to look at it.  IF I buy it,  then I would wait about a month or so and then make my Portland journey as it's maiden voyage across the country.  If finances don't work out for Portland, then my van's inceptive journey (whatever van that may be) will be a roadtrip to NY for World/Inferno's Hallowmas!  :)

Then, I plan to migrate to warmer climates for the winter (much like birds or the affluent elderly), and then head back to NY to live for the spring/summer, possibly inquiring about a position with my current company at their location on the East coast lol.  That will allow me to build up my savings again and from there... well, I haven't thought past that.  Of course, these plans may change depending on who I meet or where I go, what happens in the overall picture, etc.  Good thing I'm adaptable!

I just received an email from my friend that joined me for Resonate that includes contact info for people that teach the performance arts I want to learn.  They're taught by people I already know (by acquaintance and public appearance) and the location is literally a half mile away.  This.... is getting scary.  Holy F.

My heart is going to explode into a thousand tiny fragments, only to have the pieces wriggle themselves back together to sustain the rhythm that is set by the stars.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

"I didn't think I was that lovable... (I must be doing something wrong)"

Haha.  Glad we are back in contact.  My life feels a little more complete.  :)

How Quickly Morning Arrives

"I think this is the most sober I've ever been going to a show.  I'm not sure I like it."
"Well I don't think this is the night to start changing anything!  Where's the wine?"

If I am not still drunk, I am definitely hungover.  But hey, at least I finally got some sleep before work!  :P  Not that I'll be employing this method of sleep acquisition in the future.  Ugh.  I look like a wreck this morning.  I crashed out with my contacts in, so now I look like a gooby-eyed monster in neon-yellow striped tights and frazzled braids.  Wanna make out?  ;)

A friend from the past called me at 2:37am, but I was so passed out I didn't even hear my phone (that's bad - the ringer was turned all the way up and that sucker's loud).  New correspondence might prove fruitful, methinks I'll send a message his way.

It's funny how whenever I get that drunk I have dreams in which I am drinking vast amounts of the coolest, cleanest water on Earth.

The show was amazing.  My legs definitely hurt from the jumping and dancing.  The entire venue was a sea of moving bodies, the energy was so incredible!  I have lots of video and a few pictures too.  I really needed last night, and I'm so glad SamSam was in attendance, we had a wonderful time catching up, drinking bad wine, and dancing. 

Tonight at Resonate I think I'll take the mellow route.  I want to soak up all the energy that's around me and network and be inspired, more so than I already am.  I'm excited to see Environmental Encroachment again, it's been a while since I've seen those crazies having fun doing what they love.


I am drunk

I wish I could share this
Wrapped in Rose petals

Don't forget me
Don't forget me
Don't forget me
Don't forget about me

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Gypsy Punk Spirit Wants To Dance

If we are here not to do
What you and I wanna do
And go forever crazy with it
Why the hell we are even here?

There were never any good old days
They are today, they are tomorrow
It's a stupid thing we say
Cursing tomorrow with sorrow

In just a couple short hours I will be at Gogol Bordello.  And cameras are allowed!  Since I haven't used mine in months, I'm hoping I'll remember all those technicalities in short order.  First I have to go pick up another memory card, as mine are all full of past awesomeness.  But mostly I want to dance exuberantly with complete abandon (as is my usual way).

I'm excited to see SamSam, whom I haven't visited with in months.  He's a true friend that, no matter how much time or distance seems to go between us, when we talk it's as if we just spoke five minutes ago.  I am blessed I met him and want him in my life for as long as the universe allows.

I do not have a clear-cut heritage.  I am a mutt.  I used to think of this as problematic, wondering where I belonged, what place in the world was 'mine'.  I always felt like the outsider, or guilty that I didn't have a strong loyalty to one culture/history, that I loved them all.  Then I realized that the entire world is mine.  My affinity for all of the different nations and cultures of the world is in my blood.  Wherever I am is my home.  And I want to explore all of it.  The Cherokee in me brings me closer to this 'American' land, the Gypsy in me explains my overwhelming wanderlust and vagabond nature.  I've never felt more at peace with feeling so out of place, because I still belong at the same time, if that makes sense.  No matter where I am, a Gypsy Rose blooms....

Lamentations, Lamentations... Lamentations

Tonight was not poetic, although I could make it sound as such.  A solitary girl, lost in old photographs, the memories staining her mind like the tears on her cheeks...

I found pictures of Lillian tonight, pictures I didn't know I still had.  My Auntie Lil died in February of this year from cancer he had been battling for, well, we don't really know how long, as it was stage 4 by the time the doctors finally accepted that he wasn't some "burnout looking for pills" and actually needed help.  He was truly a light in this world, a soul to be reckoned with.  And I never got to say goodbye.  I never got that last hug.  I have nothing of him except my love and memories, and those are not to be trusted.  If I lose my memory, I lose my love.  And I lose him all over again, whether I realize it or not.  In that case, pictures would be of no use either I suppose.  We are all much too transient, I'm afraid.

We are nothing but a collection of memories that are the product of simple electrical synapse.  We are entirely unimportant.  We do not fucking matter in any sort of future or past.  We are just here, just now, just have been, just were, we cannot count on will be.  Inconsequential and nonexistent.  Yet, unmistakably and entirely profound, in the most unfathomable ways.  And my quivering little heart cannot take it sometimes.  "A sensitive observer in a harsh world", indeed.

I've been dissolving into my tears and lamenting for the past few hours.  I'm not sure I had the chance to mourn him yet, or if I'll ever truly stop actually.  My only consolation is knowing that his punk heart understands, and he is by my side eternally, even if I ever do forget through some horrific accident or disease.  And that is real.  And that matters.  Synapse be damned.

This picture is the perfect illustration of my best memories of Lil.  This is how he looked to me 95% of the time that I spent with him, sitting across from him as he rolled and packed goodies on his bed, deftly navigating through a myriad of topics over hours of non-stop conversation into the light of the morning.  You've relayed more knowledge than I could ever hope to retain, Lil, but it's the life lessons and love you've given that will remain with me.  I love you.

These past few hours have motivated me to contact someone I regard as family that hasn't been in contact with me since last July.  I am hoping for the best.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

"I met you at a really weird time in my life"

I feel like the Marla to your Jack/Narrator as we watch the city explode all around us, and all I want to do is grasp your hand.  If this building we are in is set to go down too, I want to be holding you on the way down.

We are scarily similar.  That's comforting in the way that I understand what you feel and are going through, but disconcerting as I can see down all the destructive paths it can take.

It's as if I'm squinting at the negatives, trying desperately to see what the picture would look like if only it had a chance to develop.

It would almost seem as though we are at the same points in our lives, but have a very different outlook and way of reaching what we need to.

Envision:  rumbling, dusty onyx tectonic plates with molten orange lava shining through the cracks.  This is how I feel when I think about how I've distanced you, as that goes against everything I claim to stand for and be, which then leads me to feeling broken inside, with the pieces shifting awkwardly in their agitation.

A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important something was
And what you might have missed out on
And how it might have changed it all

Overall I am in a very good place.  I hope you find your happiness soon as well.

I am going to see Gogol Bordello on Friday and then will attend Resonate (like a mini-Burningman) on Saturday.  Both of these events will further my progression and I plan on dancing until my body melts and exchanging wonderful energy with kindred spirits.  I am on cloud 11.  I feel like this girl again:

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"We're all dead inside the future of a shattered past"

I am fairly tired at the moment, but I know I will not fall asleep for hours.

I had a dream today that you sent me that postcard you promised.  And with it, a three-page letter, the gist of which was your colorful way of saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".  Then I awoke to the sound of my downstairs neighbors arguing loudly, and I could hear every word, and they were fighting because She wanted to get married and He didn't, saying it had only been two years and He wanted to make sure He was making the right decision, that there was no reason to rush it.

So fucked up.

I can still clearly see the pages, your intricate handwriting with such grace delivering a message of such heartache.

And I knew it was a dream but it felt so real.  Real because I'm sitting there feeling these pages and the breeze in the room and reading your words, but not real because my ears and mind are still picking up and understanding the conversation in the background, yet there's this persistent ethereal fog hazing my surroundings, like sunlight through smoke.  And I came out of the dream when I began to pay attention to the sounds, to distract myself from what I held in my hand in the dream-world, because I did not want to own it.

This morning I sent him a text, and received eight in return.  He invited me to spend 2 days with him at the Kalahari Resort in the Dells for free, no strings attached.  And it is very, very short notice, but I could do it.  But thoughts of you stop me dead in my tracks from even contemplating it, and how much fun I know it would be.  I haven't seen him in four months, or spoken to him in two.  It would be a wonderful reconnection.  I don't even need to close my eyes to remember what his body feels like pressed up against mine.

But I'm not sure that's what I need right now.  Yet it seems silly of me to pass up such an opportunity when I don't even know if I should be holding you in my heart like this.  But I do, and I want to.  I fucking want to.  Even though I have no idea if you've even thought of me while you've been away.  I just hate never trying in the first place or giving up before a good roll of the dice has been tossed.

I know, I am a victim of being born with my heart on my sleeve instead of locked away safely in the cage of my ribs.

If you walk away I walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way

and the future hangs over our heads
and it moves with each current event
until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
just stay in when it's lookin' this way

and the moon's laying low in the sky
forcing everything metal to shine
and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"


and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
and I'm balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something give it away"
A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away


I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away
So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to

I received a reply back about a van I am very very interested in buying.  It is currently in PA but that's not far at all, and it's already completely livable (although I would install running water).  It's much cheaper than what I have been planning on doing, so I'd have some savings left over for any repairs, maintenance, and travel costs.  It fills me with such joy to know that by year's end, the world will be my living room.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Until You Have Something To Fight For, You Settle For Something To Fight Against

I picked up an extra shift at work Sunday. I used my time wisely by sneakily listening to Florence + The Machine (lord help me I am addicted) and writing in Aletheia. I want to transpose my revelation here, unedited. First, I (~laughing~) include thoughts from less than 24hours before my epiphany, to illustrate my awe in the change. On Saturday I was writing there about writing here (yeah I know, the product of too many thoughts and rampant emotions). I'll pick it up somewhere in the relevant middle....

4-17-10 Sat.
....I need a way to meet and communicate with those who are interested in the same pursuits, who can help me progress and hopefully grow through interaction with me as well. This is the way that people meet and connect in this zeitgeist, and there's no reason I should not embrace it. It would be very foolhardy of me not to, and I am very fascinated with the entire process and endeavor. And once I make my connections I can always return to more traditional or simpler forms of communication. No one writes letters anymore :( .

But I cannot get so wrapped up and distracted by it that I put off doing all I need to in the 'real' world. And it is very easy to become distracted and enveloped in that sort of existence. But I must remember who I am, and the fact of the matter is that I am just too emotionally fragile for virtual relationships. I can hardly handle the ones in my daily, 'real' life sometimes! And I am aware that my overwhelming desire to have everyone know the small, tedious details of my personality and character that make me who I am, stems from my deeper desire of wanting people to want to know about me. And for that to happen there must first be something for them to be interested in. So I must cultivate myself and grow/learn/expand in the 'real' world first, and be someone that others want to know. I feel I already am, but there's so much more I can do and be! I feel very "uncultured" or inexperienced sometimes, although I know this to not be true. But my eternal, overwhelming, and everlasting quest and need for knowledge of anything and everything will forever make me feel inadequate. Especially when coupled with the inescapable fact that my entire life has been wasted.

But I must not spin into that depressingly dizzy whirlpool again... There is nothing I can do about my past. I can honor its many lessons and memories by learning and changing that which needs to be changed going forward. To do otherwise would be an unspeakable tragedy. I would rather kill myself, as there would be no point in living that life going forward.

4-18-10 Sunday, 12:45pm
Listen - Just because I'm not where I
want to be (or feel I should be) doesn't mean I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

That epiphany hit me today at 12:22. Add those numbers up and it equals 7, my numerological magic number (which I just realized when I wrote the time here).

I will repeat and remember this forever. It will give me so much peace and healing from my past. Maybe it has only seemed like a complete waste because I've been viewing it through my selfish, one-sided lens.

I want to cry. For all those I've forgotten that I've touched and helped. For every experience outside of my own that I've been a part of and taken for granted.

I am exuberantly content. I feel so at peace, yet bursting with this light and energy and initiative. I've realized not only what I
want to do but that I can do it. And, more importantly, that it's now that it's supposed to happen and begin. Not "before". Not "soon". Now.

3PM... I've been thinking about that epiphany more and more. I've realized that all of my frustration, pain, and anger about the past has been completely unwarranted, but not entirely useless. If I hadn't thought/felt that way about my past I would've been complacent with where I was and may not have looked for where I wanted to be, or where I was headed.

It truly brings so much into perspective for me. Before, I could never understand the reasons behind my actions (or lack of). For example - Music. It was (no, is) a huge part of my life. It literally was my life for many, many years - from the moment I awoke until I fell asleep only to dream about it at night.

I asked for a guitar every year since age 11 or so. Never got one, obviously. But I've worked odd jobs since I was 12 (mowing lawns, babysitting, etc) and when I was 14 and could legally work I've held at least 2 concurrent jobs ever since. So what was stopping me from using my own money to buy a guitar? I now realize, it wasn't supposed to happen then.

If I had a guitar during all those years, my life would be completely different right now, I guarantee it. Back then, I wanted to be a "rockstar" - had it all mapped out. What the songs would be like, what our instruments and gear were, what I'd wear on stage, say in interviews, look like in magazine spreads, all of it, even the artwork. I have never had a good excuse not to be there, get a guitar and make it happen. That's because there isn't any excuse. It just wasn't my path then.

Now, a little older and wiser, I know I wouldn't be happy as just a "rockstar" (I already am one anyway :P ). I want more than that, I want a performance. I want art. I want visuals and concepts. Most of all, I want to do it my way, on my terms.

I want to live in a van and travel the world with my cat and snake (and maybe a dog when the time is right). I want to paint and knit and sell my art on the road. I want to entertain people with music and performance art of a gypsy nature - poi, hooping, etc. I want to live as simply as possible. I want to learn as many different languages as I can. I want to learn about everything. And I want to touch lives and help people wherever I go. This is how I can and will change the world.

There it is. I still feel like crying but not in a distraught way, or a happy way. I'm not sure I can explain it... It's as if my heart is bursting with freedom and a light is pouring out, as if it's being squeezed out of it by this constricting and binding force that it has finally overcome and snapped.

As I was typing my journal passage I found an important flaw with my "rockstar" dream - interaction. I want to touch people's hearts and lives, and spread happiness and inspiration. Obviously, music is a perfect medium for the deliverance of that aspiration. But you can become easily disconnected from the very people you are hoping to share with. I don't want adoration screamed at me, I want to look in your eyes, gaze into your very soul, and adore you too.

I'd rather create a thousand tiny ripples by casting pebbles than emptying the entire lake by dropping one big boulder and fading out amongst the collective. Those tiny ripples will bump into each other and off each other, and continue on in preferred behavior, whereas the massive wave ebbs out and affects uniformly (although it can still maintain its significance).

Yes... I want something more personal. I don't want you to hope to catch my eye so you can attempt to convey that which cannot possibly be expressed, while I return to an empty bus or hotel and continue to feel that no one understands me. Because I know that is not true, and my feelings are not entirely unique. Why would I want to stand on stage, higher than everyone around me, far away and blocked off by harsh steel barriers and burly Roundhouse-type security guards, when I already feel so alone?? I do not want to be alone, as I have been my entire life. I have always been the one that is easily discarded and replaced, forgotten and delegated to To-Do lists instead of actual human interaction fueled by emotion, caring and desire.

This is one of the most significant reasons I despise this digital era. There is no human connection anymore. The statistic used to be that people spoke on the phone more than getting together in person. Then speaking on the phone gave way to email, then texting. We've all become disconnected and we don't know how to have a deep, meaningful connection with another soul. Most people run and hide when it does happen, or has the potential to.

And if I can't even find people that care enough to want to call me?... well, it makes me feel very sick at heart to think of what that means for the Love I have searched for my entire life.

But that is one thing I will not compromise on. It is my driving force, the very thing that reminds me to stay positive and true. I cannot uplift others with my happiness and light if I am not happy myself... but I need someone to help me maintain that light, and bring this flickering candle flame to a roaring blaze.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I Want To Find The Point In Space And Time Where The Echo Ends...

...dispersed so much that it ceases to be
Echoes of my past actions that have led me to where I am currently

Methinks it's right around here somewhere... :)

I have been thinking of my list of all that I want to learn and accomplish this year, this year that is already almost 4 months ended. I haven't done much of anything on that list, really. But strangely enough I don't feel as kick-myself about it as I do about the rest of my un-executed life. The start of the year has been a stressful struggle, one I am all too happy to tenaciously transition out of, all the wiser in the ways of the people I have known and met here.

I've spent the last few months crashing at friend's places as my apartment was this black hole of negativity. This was the result of my roommate, who was going on a 6-month long hike, deciding that when she sublet her room it would be fair to advertise it for a lower price than what she was responsible for and expecting me to make up the difference or "find someplace more in [my] means". After telling her that was clearly unacceptable, I did everything I could to assist her in her search for a suitable tenant (that she started only a month prior to her leave). I took a lot of shit from this girl, and during our 'discussions' bit my tongue so much I wound up chewing it off and found myself unable to speak in a coherent manner, especially in light of the irrationality she seemed to have fallen victim to. She explained that in addition to the impending trip deadline she'd been having financial trouble, taking out loans to pay rent the past few months (from where I don't know, Mommy&Daddy seem to have supported her in the background as long as I've known her). I told her that, while I was sorry to hear that, it really wasn't my problem, especially considering how much she smoked+/drank/etc, and that I was not judging her for her actions (being of the 'whatever-makes-you-happy' brigade) and I fully supported her going on this trip but was unwilling to financially support her by paying her rent in her absence.

I still don't understand how someone I thought was sweet, logical (if not emotional), and ethical could turn so cold, catty, and hostile. It hurts and has really affected me and how I interact with people, once again unable to believe what I'm being told is the 'truth'. She claimed all was 'fine' but was secretly building up and harboring resentment and vile hatred. I am also unable to understand how people have anyone to blame but themselves for their decisions in life. We may not be able to control what happens TO us, but we ALWAYS have control over how we react to it or let it change us. That's pretty much the only control in life we have at all, is how we (re)act in a given situation.

So anywho, now I have a new roommate.
I've sacrificed multitudes of privacy and comfort, but I feel blessed to be of a nature that has ultimately greatly helped two people very much in need of reaching their respective desires (She going hiking and fulfilling a wonderful goal set in motion years ago and He living in the city not having to travel 2+hrs at 3am to get to class). My decision will affect their lives in unimaginable ways, a ripple-effect that I cannot even begin to contemplate.

I finally feel as if my lifelong procrastination will be taking a backseat instead of driving. Which is a good thing, as it's a horrible navigator and likes to drive slower than a grandma on Sunday.

And that echo? I don't think it ever truly ends... it evolves. Ironic how something that is defined by its weakness and diminishing nature is actually a powerful, transient force that eternally transmogrifies...

Daylight Appears As A Gradual Illumination

Saturdays are the most painful for me, having to work early and being of a nocturnal way. For the past few weeks I have been staying up until it is time for me to bike out on the night I should at least make an attempt at getting some shut-eye. But it's right around now, when full light envelopes my little part of the world, that I tend to become sleepy. I wish I could return to my polyphasic sleep schedule (more on that later perhaps). I might make an attempt if I have shorter hours like last summer... that would be grand. Twenty-two whole hours in the waking world every day, oh, the things I could get done... ~shivers~ :)

At least I've kept busy. I've typed up a lot of my notebook writings so I can post them in due time and did laundry for the first time in months (yes, months). I've read paragraphs I've been delaying. I have a clearer vision of what I want from this blog and how I might achieve it, and that makes me happy. Overall, with the exception of my present fatigue, I feel excited, anxious for the future to come so that I may travel my path and fully embrace where it leads me. I am beyond enthralled with where I am headed (and I do NOT mean within a few hours haha). Once again I am in awe of how awesomesauce I am and how much I can truly attain when I simply focus and do. Not even necessarily 'try', but just... do. If action is to be my only catalyst for success then I truly have no limits.

In the immediate moment however there will be no action. It's been about 40 minutes since The Notwist's "Sleep" track came on and I thought then "That's my sign for some", so I'm off to read 'Funes the Memorious'* for the hundredth time and will then toss and turn for 2 hours before having to get moving again.

* "... he had been what all humans are: blind, deaf, addlebrained, absent-minded. - For nineteen years he had lived as one in a dream: he looked without seeing, listened without hearing, forgetting everything, almost everything. When he came to, the present was almost intolerable in its richness and sharpness, as were his most distant and trivial memories."

* "The truth is that we live out our lives putting off all that can be put off; perhaps we all know deep down that we are immortal and that sooner or later all men will do and know all things."

Friday, April 16, 2010

In the midst of Spring

Spring conventionally means new beginnings, birth/re-birth, blooming, and the awakening of all that was dead or asleep through the long, cold, dark months now past. And while I am not one to associate myself too closely with anything conventional, I must say that once again, I am feeling the re-birth of me. It's as if the warmth of the coming season thaws every part of me - physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I am less tense and more tingly. I will not survive another winter...

I have never 'blogged' before. Gosh, what an unpalatable word, 'blog'. I much prefer my ink pens and journals... the smell of parchment and leather, the way the liquid seeps into the fibers and creates the unmistakable pattern of my thoughts and emotions in the distinct shape of the letters of my very inhibiting language of English. It is 'real', it is touchable, tangible. It is something to carry with me that has a shape, and a weight that compliments and/or mirrors my highs and lows. There is no doubt that I will not stop writing in my beloved journals and notebooks, but I feel it may be time for an addition to my creative outlets.

So what has instigated this? That is not fully known to me yet. Reasons I can think of are varied and certainly unoriginal. I want to informally publish my thoughts, give a glimpse into my being. I hope it will help me sort myself out, and maybe it will help others sort themselves out as well. I want to document my journey through this phase in my life as if it actually matters in the whole of human existence. And I want to feel like I will be held accountable for that which I need to accomplish... I have no one, so I will include everyone, even if it is a placebo-effect that I must hold in my mind.

I want to exalt and deconstruct my Ego, Id, and Super-Ego, bringing a balance to that uneven trio, or at least find out which one works best for myself and mankind. I want to learn that perfect waltz between the three.

So I will post my thoughts, writings from years past whether they still hold personal meaning or not, goals, wishes, loves, lusts, deaths, opinions, rambles, lots and lots of lyrics and quotes that describe/affect/motivate/ground me, inspirations, and the like.

This digital era is a terrifying concept to me. But my energy is already a part of this collective, so I might as well dive...